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Two weekends ago, when everyone was following advice from local and federal authorities to stay home—my husband and I included—my stepdaughter went to a convention in Asheville. Because of our concerns about COVID exposure, my husband contacted his ex about the trip. He was told that she felt safe taking her and discussed with her daughter that they would not hug anyone while they were there. The week after the convention, my husband was on the phone with his children and his daughter volunteered that mom "had a fever and body aches." Of course we were concerned, so my husband contacted his ex-wife again via email and she responded days later with a less than reassuring response.
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This is in stark contrast to the message I received from my ex. He's been messaging me for weeks with links to articles about COVID and is in isolation at Fort Knox, with an Insta greenhouse and food trucks. He believes my occupation puts him and his children at risk and he has asked that our children stay with him until the COVID is eradicated.
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As you can imagine, step and parenting can be difficult, especially when communications from other households are poor, and beliefs about what is best for each household are conflicting. As a stepmother of almost eight years, I'm used to not checking what goes on in the other parents' houses. I'm also used to making sure to bring socks, lunches, poses and the flu. I am fully aware that every decision made by one household can potentially affect the other three.
Especially now, both parents and families need to be on the same page. They now need to discuss custody plans, but also need to have a plan in case someone gets sick. I spoke with 'Therapist Sarah Harris, LMFT about my dilemma this weekend. She suggested some steps to take when considering changes to delivery times during the COVID pandemic.
Keep calm and find a way to stay grounded in all the chaos and uncertainty that is going on. If you just get caught up in the emotional part of things, you lose clarity of thought and end up choosing unhealthy responses and plans that don't put the kids first. If you don't know how to stay focused, or need help with mindfulness stress reduction, give us a call 😉
Make sure you make the children your top priority. Use clear and open communication with each other about the situation and your concerns with the children. This is not about you, this is about what is best for your children. You must love your children more than you love yourself.
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Let the other parent know which of these options you are comfortable with, and which you are not. It is also important to be realistic and practical when considering what these options are. You cannot control every possible risk, so be careful not to go to extremes when proposing solutions.
Of all the possible (rational) choices, there is bound to be a middle ground that both agree on. If you have concerns about the other partner - what they might do - keep these discussions away from the children. The last thing our children need is our anxiety projected onto them and them feeling like they have to choose sides.
From a medical perspective, you also need to consider what to do if someone in the household falls ill. Right now Wake County is under Gov. Cooper's "Stay Home" order so there probably shouldn't be much exposure, but with the strange carrier status and long incubation period of this virus you just never know. You might think it's safe to drink on your porch with your neighbor or go to the grocery store without a mask, but it might not. None of us have a crystal ball. Here are some ways to protect yourself, your family and your children:
If you don't have participation or agreement from the other household, that's okay. You can still actively communicate your condition and symptoms to them even if they don't respond. In your plan, specifically mention what you will do if you or your children develop symptoms of an upper respiratory infection. A good way to communicate trust and show that you are keeping the communication channels open is to report your status to the other household on exchange day via text or email. This will be easy for me because I always give a "report" to my children's father on exchange day, but now I also include health updates. Here is a text I sent before they followed up:
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"VV and I studied tonight for her science test on Friday - quiz code is 3441420, she still gets 70%. David also decided he wanted to practice driving so we did that too. He's actually pretty good and gets driven to school this morning.He is a bit unclear on who has the right of way when it comes to intersections and turns.Also, I just bought some air gum and elderberry gum to help keep her immune system strong.
I always do a healthy tug with my kids, but now even more so. They are out of school and thrive with more structure and routine (like my mind). Both structure and routine help the body and brain function optimally. Even though we are tracked, my kids still have a routine bedtime. It is two hours later than when they are at school and they also sleep in two extra hours. However, the wake-up times are consistent, so that no one sleeps after 10 or 11 o'clock.
My kids take elderberry, vitamin C, and air supplements daily, along with a multivitamin. I'm not generally a promoter of vitamins if you eat a healthy diet and don't have nutritional deficiencies, but we know that these immune system boosters do just that.
Scientific studies have proven time and time again that moderate exercise most days of the week actually strengthens and strengthens your immune system. It improves immune system regulation and also delays the onset of age-related dysfunction. Exercise also stimulates various pathways in the body to promote a reduction in inflammation. I recently found the practice of yoga and find it perfect for mental and physical training.
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We know that mental and physical health go hand in hand. When your brain is filled with anxious or depressing thoughts, your body and immune system can be weakened. Taking time to focus on a good book or playing cards or board games with family members you love can release these healthy brain neurotransmitters and keep your immune system strong.
This is an unprecedented time for most of us with the threat of anxiety and depression around every corner. In my four decades of life, I have never seen anything like this. I had heard anecdotally of the devastation caused by polio, smallpox and measles, but had not experienced it first hand. I was born after these diseases were eradicated.
I have been a nurse for twenty-two years and a nurse for fifteen. I took care of tuberculosis patients on respiratory isolation and patients in cholera camps in Haiti. I've been stuck by needles being used on patients and seen some really scary medical situations in the trauma center and ICUs where I've worked. I worked in interventional radiology for a decade placing chest ports for chemotherapy using the best of sterile conditions. I know how to put on and take off PPE (personal protective equipment) with the best of them. I am not a fearful person and I do not live in a state of fear. During this time I continue to live my life and enjoy the time with my children and husband making the most of the days I have - life is short and not guaranteed.
The last thing any of us need right now is more stress and speculation about things that will never come. The best thing we can do is put our children first. Communicate openly and honestly with our parent. Stay focused on the good. Promote physical and mental health and wellness in your immediate home. Don't focus on the activities (or lack thereof) in the other household where your children live. Practice good eating and sleeping practices. Exercise. Meditate. do yoga OFFER.
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Founded by Jaclyn Qualter, a nurse and health mentor, in September 2019, offers its fee plan on its website at www.zesumme with FAQs on how to use the online service. More information can be found on his social media www.facebook.com/TelemedicineNCor @on Instagram
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